Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Failure, Anxiety, Death and a New Handbag
The blog has been darn quiet on the weight loss front this year. After last years huge success of a 50lb loss, this year has been a complete bomb.
I had a goal of losing 50lbs a year for three years. Hurray for year one! But then I was overcome with anxiety on year two. So many people were congratulating me, saying how I have inspired them.... but instead of it helping me, it seemed to throw me into a downward spiral that I am still trying to recover from. I don't know how to take compliments. And I have a debilitating fear of letting people down.
And what do I do when I am anxious? I eat. What do I do when I feel like a failure? Or am even afraid to fail? I eat.
Last month, had my children been chocolate coated I am pretty sure I would have eaten them too.
So how bad is it? Shall I share the embarrassing news? Well I have gained back 23.5lbs. Actually, I gained back 30lbs, but I have lost 6.5lbs since getting back from our trip to Cape Breton. Failure.
Wonderful friends have told me not to worry, this is a journey. But serious, would someone just had me a fracking GPS already??
I have even exercised more than I ever have in my entire life! However, the more I exercised the more I lost focus on my eating. I can eat that... I worked out today.
It was getting better.
I had a beautiful email from my friend Indigo saying that I had inspired her to lose some weight and she herself had just hit 50lbs. Ten days later she was dead and I was a wreck. I consoled myself with food instead of learning to grieve.
I feel like I have wasted the last six months. The more I let myself feel those emotions, the more I eat to numb them. Why can't there be a magic pill for this?
I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to reduce my anxiety. But I am going to find some good out of it.
I know that if I am sewing, I am probably not eating. So not eating means new sewing projects. So to end this embarrassing post of my weight loss failure for 2011 on a positive point... check out the new bag I made out of a leather coat: