Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Failure, Anxiety, Death and a New Handbag

The blog has been darn quiet on the weight loss front this year. After last years huge success of a 50lb loss, this year has been a complete bomb.

I had a goal of losing 50lbs a year for three years. Hurray for year one! But then I was overcome with anxiety on year two. So many people were congratulating me, saying how I have inspired them.... but instead of it helping me, it seemed to throw me into a downward spiral that I am still trying to recover from. I don't know how to take compliments. And I have a debilitating fear of letting people down.

And what do I do when I am anxious? I eat. What do I do when I feel like a failure? Or am even afraid to fail? I eat.

Last month, had my children been chocolate coated I am pretty sure I would have eaten them too.

So how bad is it? Shall I share the embarrassing news? Well I have gained back 23.5lbs. Actually, I gained back 30lbs, but I have lost 6.5lbs since getting back from our trip to Cape Breton. Failure.

Wonderful friends have told me not to worry, this is a journey. But serious, would someone just had me a fracking GPS already??

I have even exercised more than I ever have in my entire life! However, the more I exercised the more I lost focus on my eating. I can eat that... I worked out today.

It was getting better.

I had a beautiful email from my friend Indigo saying that I had inspired her to lose some weight and she herself had just hit 50lbs. Ten days later she was dead and I was a wreck. I consoled myself with food instead of learning to grieve.

I feel like I have wasted the last six months. The more I let myself feel those emotions, the more I eat to numb them. Why can't there be a magic pill for this?

I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to reduce my anxiety. But I am going to find some good out of it.

I know that if I am sewing, I am probably not eating. So not eating means new sewing projects. So to end this embarrassing post of my weight loss failure for 2011 on a positive point... check out the new bag I made out of a leather coat:


Trudie said...

Do things for yourself.
Easy enough to say - a lot harder to live by. Believe me, I know from my own experience!

Leanne Diplock said...

This is not failure Kara. This is just a bump in the road. I know how it feels to not be able to handle compliments and I know all to well about not letting myself grieve and using food to make me feel better and loved. You are doing this for you and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Sarah said...

Kara: Don't you see what you're doing? You are writing about your successes and your failures...you're publishing it, documenting it, in a public forum. You are holding yourself accountable and that is such a huge big part of this. Because you're not doing this for anyone else, though they may motivate you. It's for you, and you are WORTH IT. One foot in front of the other and one day at a time. In the end those steps and days will be part of the big picture but the real work is in today.
If you can get on top of your eating for just one day, today, then you are headed in the right direction. Don't worry about tomorrow, it's today that's on the agenda.

Gen said...

You hit the nail on the head and sunk it: stop focusing on the weight loss, managing your anxiety is the problem, eating is just an outcome. Sewing, exercise, relaxation techniques, enjoying the outdoors and getting to the source of the anxiety (if there is an outstanding one, that is) are great ways to keep your anxiety in check. Stress really is the plague of our lifetime. You really are on the right path Kara and I love the GPS comment! So then, what are YOUR navigational tools? Big big hug.

Morena said...

You and I have had that conversation a few times so I won't say it all again. Just keep on truckin' and you'll get there. Love you no matter how much you weigh. Believe that and the rest will fall into place.

Elizabeth said...

There isn't much left to say that hasn't already been said.

I found that one part of goal setting is not only congratulating yourself for your successes, but realizing that a setback is going to happen. And that it's okay! It's okay to fall down on your butt, just as long as you get back up again.

I wish I could keep positive all the time too, but I beat myself up for "failing" to meet goals all the time. It's hard. I admire you for your bravery in posting this.

Megan said...

Keep going with the sewing. That bag is gorgeous. And so are you.

Shanlee said...

I have nothing else to add, everyone else has covered off excellent support messages. The purse is awesome! By the way, I get loads of comments on the mitts I got from you. Well not now, it's sort of spring, but all winter long. The most common being, "I bet those are warm!" People are so original! ;)

Anonymous said...

Please don't think that the exercise is doing nothing. Studies show that being physically fit but overweight reduces all your health risks compared to being out of shape but thin. So you really are healthier even if you gained some weight back!

jen said...

Anonymous said it perfectly! It's better to eat then be too thin. Last year I was going to kick the baby weight, was working out hard, and didn't loose a FREAKING pound, I even gained! But I felt good.

I won't tell you how awesome you are, I'll hold back ;)....but I'll tell you the way I've reduced my stress/anxiety over the last year. Cry, that's right I cry the shit out when I'm in the shower. And I feel pretty good afterwards. Punching bag sounds pretty good too. You can scream at the universe! Even flip it a finger on a bad day! :)

jen said...

P.S That blog title should be a movie.

Ken and Dianna said...

Been there, done that, bought the t shirt - in EVERY FRIKKIN' SIZE! You are on the right track more than you know! (I'm coming to Faro - let's chat!)

Adriana said...

I'm struggling with weight loss too.. I need to lose 50 lbs and I get upset when I'm faced with the challenges.. You're right.. it is a journey and that's why there's ups and down...
You're a beautiful woman inside and out and you WILL achieve anything you set out to do!
Good luck!