Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Struggling

February is always my toughest month. Many a melt down has happened over these 28 or 29 days over the years. I think it is the point where I have had enough of winter, even though I do like this season, and I start to go stir crazy.

To combat it this year I resolved to keep myself busy, really busy. And it is definitely helping. Here is what I am doing to keep myself on the go:
  • I have started to go to the gym with a friend. This is week two of the gym and I love it. We go at 6:30am three days a week. I figured I am up anyways so why not do something productive with that time! Right now it is just a 25 minute work out with weight to a dvd, but we plan on working ourselves up to an hour over the next few months.
  • I am sewing like a mad woman! A friend has hooked me up to have a craft table for two days during the Sourdough Rendezvous in Whitehorse. Everyday I am working on new projects plus still doing the custom orders that are still coming in. I want to have a full table and finger crossed I come home with less than I take!
  • Lots and lots of outside time. During the week the boys and I have been playing outside, either walking or climbing the snow hill. Outdoor time always energizes me.
  • Keeping my house clean and organized. I have been putting more energy into keeping the house looking nice, although some days I opt to sew instead of clean!
  • I received a new cookbook a couple of weeks ago and each day I am picking out something new to try for supper. It is so nice to get out of the rut of cooking the same few things for supper each week.
So where am I struggling?

Well eating fudge for breakfast over Christmas definitely took its toll on me! I gained 14lbs over the holidays but managed to get 11lbs back off over January and now the last three just won't leave. In every other area of my life I seem to have my ducks in a row, but the eating just hasn't gotten in line. It seems I have two great days, two so-so days and then two craptacular days. I have come to the realization that it is a mental block.

Binge eating is a comfort for me as well as a habit. And old habits die hard. Sometimes I don't even notice that I just ate four arrowroot cookies when I get some out for the kids. My body just goes through the motions and my brain just shuts off. I also avoid feeling so many of my emotions, good or bad, and just eat instead. For example- I have applied to attend an arts festival in Inuvik this summer. I know my application to go is a bit of a long shot, but I thought what the hell I would apply anyway. The group called and asked me to resend my photos. I get a batch of nerves as I am sending them and before you know it I have stuffed my face with some of the kid's cookies and raisins. Eventually I am going to have to just let myself experience those feelings instead of numbing them with food.

I really want these three pounds gone so I can start on my next 50! There is just so much more work and at times it seems overwhelming. And there are days when I hate the results. As I lose the weight my skin is getting flappy. I really dislike what is happening to my stomach. After being pregnant and losing all this weight, I now have a really big.... I don't know what to call it... roll of skin and fat that hangs down below my belly button. I really, really hate it! I have pants that should fit me now, and are loose everywhere but over my lower stomach. So when I wear pants that fit over that, they are big everywhere else. I know it will just get worse as the weight comes off and I just need to deal with it until I hit my 150lb goal. Once I hit that I am going to reward my poor body that I have destroyed over the years with a tummy tuck, boob lift and getting rid of other loose skin. Now that I am looking forward to!

This year I am going to make it through February with ALL of my ducks in a row and hopefully I won't be an emotional mess at the end of it!

14 comments:

Aida said...

you go girl!! you are my inspiration..50lbs sounds soo far away, i've managed to cut 5 lbs and it stayed that way so far but its still far..Frank says 50lbs is too much for me so i think i will revisit the goal mid year.

and as for the belly, i am sooo doing a tummy tuck. i had 2 c/s within 16 months so the lower belly is like how you describe, its disgusting.

Sarah said...

You CAN do this. And when you hit the wall, remember the simplest of words with the most hope: just hang on. Keep at it. One meal, one day at a time. Baby steps.

Michelle said...

nice writing Kara!! It has to feel good to write it all down!! I have been doing weight watchers and have lost 6 lbs... and then was like whoo hoo i can eat crap again.... guess what.. my body rebelled and packed it on at poundage... comfy chubbiness that I hate and realise that I have to change my brain as well.... sooo hard. Keep up the good work!!!
Michelle

Tammany said...

Kara you are an amazing woman and an amazing friend and I know that you can do this. Now that you have the ipod if you want check out an app called Lose it.. it's free but it helps you track calories ect, set a goal and measure the difference the exercise gives you. When I was big into trying to lose the weight this really helped me by helping me easily track what I was eating good or bad so that I had more good days than bad days.

Gen said...

DO THE HEALTH CHALLENGE WITH ME!!!!!

We've vowed to do something different every year in February (Feb is such a depressing month) but it's always health and fitness related.
I was even thinking last night of doing a feature on you and your amazing progress!!!!

COME ON KARA, it's much easier doing it with others! - plus, it would be nice to have an anglo present in the comments section!

Trudie said...

You'll make it. Like Sarah wrote, one meal, one day at a time. The mere fact that you are writing about it tells me that you're on the road to success.

BTW - the parcel arrived today and the hoodie is sooo cute!

Megan said...

You can do this. You've proved it many times over. You are way tougher than that fudge.

Dan.Eliot said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
pwf said...

Kara you have done great and are still doing great. Just like your friends say, one meal at a time, one day at a time. Try not to think of the last 3 lbs before going again, but maybe in .5 lbs increments. You also need to find some way to reward yourself without it being food. I like to go take pictures, a walk outside and even if you were going to do it, tell yourself that you are doing this because you deserve it for all the hard work you have done.
Also, I have been using this blog as a reward, do something, read another post, you may loose weight by peeing your pants though, you have been warned.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/

Trish said...

sorry, the PWF one was me, wrong email address, lol.
trish.

I wish I was at the Lake said...

Letting yourself feel the emotion (and not feed it) will help you to realize that the disappointment will suck but....well it wasn't as bad as you thought it would be! You made it throught the emotion and came out the other side stronger and better and always improving!

Kristi-Bisti said...

I am finding the space between my ears to be relentless and unforgiving. When I think I'm heading in a good direction...

I relate, Kara. Good work on the 11 lbs.

Megan said...

Good luck with getting into the arts festival! Too bad I'm not in Inuvik anymore!

All the best!

YukonJen said...

Hi Kara,

Three things that help me....as I have a Swiss chocolate weakness. When I want to eat chocolate (because I don't eat just one), I choose an apple instead. As you say, it is part of being conscious.

Also, I can't beat myself up because I did eat chocolate. When I was fighting an eating disorder (oh so many years ago), someone counselled me to make myself think everytime I reached for comfort food and to ask myself if I really wanted to experience the feeling that came afterwards. Believe it or not, that was one technique that really worked for me.

Forward thinking.

Lastly, if you have an iPhone, iPad, or iTouch, I downloaded this Nike training application that is brilliant for solo workouts. Some of the exercises I can't do yet--too tough--but I will get there.

I LOVE YOUR SEWING PROJECTS!! They are exactly what I am looking for. I would like to keep my Northern identity over here. I will let you know when I am ready to buy. BUT I do like that hat. I think I'll order two (if you are taking orders).

As Megan says: you are way tougher than fudge!!!

YukonJen