I would love to say how easy it has been and that life is all pink unicorns that fart rainbows and fluffy clouds that rain glitter. But it has been hard. Really fucking hard.
Healing has been a tough road. What am I thankful for? The surgeon who performed the surgery and his assistants. I can email in a question and usually have a response from them within the day. The quality of service has been second to none. I was worried since I live so far away that it would be hard to connect with my surgeon, but each week I send in my photos and questions and each week he advises on my progress.
The mental part of healing has been hard on me, especially since it is taking so much longer than the normal patient. I want this to be done. I want to be back to my normal life. Especially since I thought by this point in my healing my life would be back to normal. Yet, I still cannot lift anything without pain. My exercise is still just walking. I still swell up easily if I overexert myself (which I seem to do every single day). I get tired very easily. And I still have three wounds that require attention every day.
I have had some pretty miserable days and I am worried that I am burning bridges with those around me. My emotions just seem to swell up and overwhelm me. I am lost in how to deal with them and how to make amends to those it affects. For most of my life I have eaten to mask my emotions. Eating gave me the ability to feel like I could manage myself. Feeling upset? Binge eat something and feel (fake) happy again. But since my gastric sleeve surgery two years ago, I am no longer able to do that.
Right now, all I want to do is eat some shitty carbs and hide from the world. Instead, I am going to eat my healthy protein-filled breakfast and continue to blog about how frustrated I feel. And if you are curious, breakfast today is 3/4c of cottage cheese, 1tbsp of hemp hearts, and 1tbsp of sugar free jam (24g of protein right there).
When you are the fattest person in the room for your entire life, you excel at faking it. I could fake the outgoing personality on my bad days (and then everyone comments on what a great personality you have). But lately, I cannot even fake it. Every emotion I have, which seems to be either the super happy or the super miserable with no inbetween, is out there for the world to see. Well not really the world, just all the people I am close to here. And I feel awful about it. I don't want anyone to see me as not the happy Kara they usually know. If there was a flower store in Faro, I would be buying all my close friends huge bouquets. Or maybe I should just be forced to go and scrub their toilets or something else nasty to make up for it all.
I know so much of this is tied to hormones. Having all of those fat cells cut right out of my body and then the physical healing process has sent my mental stability into a tail spin. There is no balance in my body chemistry right now. Then you combine that with the inability to sleep well due to the pain and wham! The perfect combination to make Kara miserable with no clue why or how to control or fix it.
Alongside the hormones, is just getting used to a new body. I woke up and didn't look like me anymore. The weight loss was more of a gradual process, but to change so drastically in a 12 hour time.... I wasn't prepared for how much it would affect me and for how long. The results have exceeded my expectations by far. But I am just not sure who I see in the mirror now. I feel weird having almost zero ass. I don't know how much I like that part of my body right now. I am happy that it is so much smaller, but it feels a lot less feminine. It is hard to look at the wounds on my body that are still persisting. I am tired of dealing with them.
I am guessing most people are thinking to themselves and talking with others saying, "I wish she would just snap the fuck out of it and get over herself." And I truly wish it was that easy. I don't have anyone here in person who knows what I am going through. Not being able to have anyone who understands is probably the hardest part of all. I have a separate facebook account that I now use to access a couple of support groups for people who have gone through the same things I have- massive weight loss and reconstructive surgery. It helps, but I think real person to person support would be so much better. However, I love where I live so I will deal with this the way that has gotten me through the last two years- just blogging about it.
I can handle the criticism from my close friends, family, and heck even strangers about my blogging so openly about my feelings and posting of my nearly naked photos. I have to. Because this is the only outlet that works for me. This is my therapy. If I stopped this, I would have no outlet to get these emotions out and I am scared for what would happen to me if I lost this. So friends, family and random internet strangers- just deal with it. Don't look it you don't want. And try not to judge me. You aren't in my shoes. This is what works for me, so this is what I am going to continue to do. You can continue to criticize me or choose to try and just understand or accept me.
So right now I am hoping that it just gets better. All of it. It needs to get better because right now I feel so incredibly lost and miserable that I am completely at a loss as to what to do next. And that isn't how I want to be living my life.
And now that you have skimmed through my emotional novel- the weekly photos!
JUST TURN AWAY NOW IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE MY ASS.
AND SOME GORE TOO!
|My ass just 3 months ago. No wonder it hurts to sit on.|
|Yes.... maybe this is why I am still swollen.|
|No real words for this other than gross. Oh, and that is my thigh.|
|I don't see any change from last week!|
|Go away pubic swelling. Just go away now.|
|I think improving.... but who knows.|
|Again. Go away pubic swelling. You suck.|
|The camera makes this inner thigh scar look worse than it is. It is getting so much lighter!|
|Still rock hard scars here. And my tail bone hurts all the time. All. The. Time.|
|Right hip wound is healing fast! I know, still gross, but so much improvement.|
|Left hip wound seems to have closed off and now just filling in. I cannot feel any sort of cavity in there when I push on it. So I think it has healed well inside. But the area feels like a deep bruise.|