Why does it all hit at once?
The dark is back and my body wants to hibernate. My body craves carbohydrates when it wants to hibernate.
The cold is back. My body craves carbohydrates when it is cold.
My period is on these evil three week cycles for some hellish type of torture. My body craves carbohydrates (plus chocolate) during my period.
I am freaking the fuck out about being under 200lbs. My body craves any freaking food that is in within reach when I freak the fuck out.
I am about to hit my one year surgery anniversary and it is causing me a lot of anxiety. Anxiety.... well you guessed it.
Yes, I turn to food for everything in my life. But I especially turn to foods that are poor choices when I feel stressed, agitated, angry, lazy.... all those emotions.
Right now my body needs protein. I haven't been on-top of tracking my food and my hair is falling out again. That is a key indicator that my protein is much too low. My food choices have been poor- a bun instead of a slice of cheese and a veggie, a couple of cups of popcorn instead of a piece of moose sausage and veggie. I am having a snack when I should just be drinking water or tea. I am eating in the evenings when my body doesn't need it. The food isn't horrible and everything I consume is small amounts, but I am still doing my body a disservice and I need to re-gain focus.
A lot of it boils down to my anxiety at being under 200lbs and my one year surgery anniversary date looming. So why be anxious about being under 200lbs? I don't know. A lot of it is guilt driven. The guilt of weighing less than a lot of my friends/family right now is tremendous and I don't know how to move past it. I cannot stop thinking about it. I watch as friends and family almost seem to panic as soon as my weight approaches their own. They hop on the newest diet or exercise bandwagon to try and lose some weight. Part of me is happy for them, of course I want to see everyone successful in their own weight loss endeavors. But then part of me is pissed off. Why did they wait until my weight was almost on par with theirs? It makes me feel pretty crappy when it really shouldn't. Instead of feeling happy or excited that I have hit a new level in my weight loss, I just continue to feel that it will never be good enough. Was I just that friend people wanted around so they could always feel better about themselves?
Right now I feel like curling up and hibernating for a good 8 months. I am seriously fucking fantastic at not showing how I feel. Pro level. If there was an Olympic sport titled "Emotional Baggage Stuffing" I would be getting a gold medal every two years since it would be at both the Summer and Winter Olympic Games.
It is hard to find balance with my feelings. It is easy for me to be happy all the time because that is how I like to feel! I would rather be than than angry at the world girl. So how to do I get these feelings out with destroying my day?
It kills me to write about it. But I need to. Tonight I just needed to get it all off my chest and already I am feeling some relief. Hurray for this blog. My semi-safe place to vent. By venting here instead of just to myself on paper, it gives me accountability. And I need the support. Paper doesn't support me back. Readers of my blog? They are pretty fucking awesome. Please give me the much needed kick in the ass I need to get past this bit of floundering. Throw your advice at me for dealing with emotional baggage. Tell me it will (or won't) get better; just be honest with me.
**And if you are that friend or family member I was just whining about? Sorry. Just had to say it to get it off my chest. I am happy for you, but be warned- I am still going to kick your ass in the weight loss department over the next year and I am going to learn how to feel good about it!