Sunday, October 7, 2012

Floundering And Needing Support

Why does it all hit at once?

The dark is back and my body wants to hibernate.  My body craves carbohydrates when it wants to hibernate.

The cold is back.  My body craves carbohydrates when it is cold.

My period is on these evil three week cycles for some hellish type of torture.  My body craves carbohydrates (plus chocolate) during my period.

I am freaking the fuck out about being under 200lbs.  My body craves any freaking food that is in within reach when I freak the fuck out.

I am about to hit my one year surgery anniversary and it is causing me a lot of anxiety.  Anxiety.... well you guessed it. 

Yes, I turn to food for everything in my life.  But I especially turn to foods that are poor choices when I feel stressed, agitated, angry, lazy....  all those emotions.

Right now my body needs protein.  I haven't been on-top of tracking my food and my hair is falling out again.   That is a key indicator that my protein is much too low.  My food choices have been poor- a bun instead of a slice of cheese and a veggie, a couple of cups of popcorn instead of a piece of moose sausage and veggie.  I am having a snack when I should just be drinking water or tea.  I am eating in the evenings when my body doesn't need it.  The food isn't horrible and everything I consume is small amounts, but I am still doing my body a disservice and I need to re-gain focus. 

A lot of it boils down to my anxiety at being under 200lbs and my one year surgery anniversary date looming.  So why be anxious about being under 200lbs?  I don't know.  A lot of it is guilt driven.  The guilt of weighing less than a lot of my friends/family right now is tremendous and I don't know how to move past it.  I cannot stop thinking about it.  I watch as friends and family almost seem to panic as soon as my weight approaches their own.  They hop on the newest diet or exercise bandwagon to try and lose some weight.  Part of me is happy for them, of course I want to see everyone successful in their own weight loss endeavors.  But then part of me is pissed off.  Why did they wait until my weight was almost on par with theirs?  It makes me feel pretty crappy when it really shouldn't.  Instead of feeling happy or excited that I have hit a new level in my weight loss, I just continue to feel that it will never be good enough.  Was I just that friend people wanted around so they could always feel better about themselves? 

Right now I feel like curling up and hibernating for a good 8 months.  I am seriously fucking fantastic at not showing how I feel.  Pro level.  If there was an Olympic sport titled "Emotional Baggage Stuffing" I would be getting a gold medal every two years since it would be at both the Summer and Winter Olympic Games. 

It is hard to find balance with my feelings.  It is easy for me to be happy all the time because that is how I like to feel!  I would rather be than than angry at the world girl.  So how to do I get these feelings out with destroying my day?

It kills me to write about it.  But I need to.  Tonight I just needed to get it all off my chest and already I am feeling some relief.  Hurray for this blog.  My semi-safe place to vent.  By venting here instead of just to myself on paper, it gives me accountability.  And I need the support.  Paper doesn't support me back.  Readers of my blog?  They are pretty fucking awesome.  Please give me the much needed kick in the ass I need to get past this bit of floundering.  Throw your advice at me for dealing with emotional baggage.  Tell me it will (or won't) get better; just be honest with me. 

**And if you are that friend or family member I was just whining about?  Sorry.  Just had to say it to get it off my chest.  I am happy for you, but be warned- I am still going to kick your ass in the weight loss department over the next year and I am going to learn how to feel good about it!


18 comments:

Elaina said...

You amaze me! I'm envious of your weight loss but I know how hard you've worked for it. Don't let friends and family discourage you. Focus on yourself, your sewing, and your family. :) Happy Thanksgiving.

Erica said...

Come over to my house tomorrow and have tea (and blast the state of mess I am living in ^_^)

Kirsty said...

Kara,

Now is the time to be selfish and focus on yourself. I know it's hard, but don't even entertain the actions of those you mentioned in your blog. It will only cause harm and will act almost as sabotage to all that you have accomplished in the last year.

Stare at the anniversary and being less than 200lbs head on and know that you are a person that deserves to reach that goal. You have worked soooooo hard to get where you are. It's a lifestyle change in the biggest sense and you have done amazingly well. There are not many people in this world that would be able to do what you have accomplished. It's takes a person who is strong more so mentally than physically to go through this process and you should really think how far you have come, when others would have given up long ago.

Keep your head up and keep looking forward and say to yourself that you do deserve this and anyone who is trying to keep you down is not a friend.

The mind is a powerful thing and you just have to work extra hard right now at letting the mind win over the physical cravings. I know you can do this!

Kim said...

Hi Kara,
You are doing great. The hardest part of losing weight is not so much the physical but mentally losing it. Many of us who are overweight use it as a shield to keep people at a safe distance. When you lose the weight that shield is gone and its not easy to deal with people and people don't know how to deal with you. you've worked hard and had the courage, and tenacity to lose the weight. Please don't let other people's hang-ups and insecurities mess with your progress.
Cold weather/emotional eating is hard to beat. I have a huge issue with it as well. I find exercise and eating a balance diet helps greatly. Take care, I'm rooting for you!

Anonymous said...

Fuckin' A, Kara. You are an inspiration, and I'm not saying that to make you feel better, I mean you're an inspiration to me personally. I often feel that with school and everything I don't "have the time" to make the necessary changes to improve my health and weight. And yet there you are raising a family and constantly baking and cooking amazing dishes and still you're progressing along your chosen path through all the good and the bad. It's a shame that others are using your success to make you feel guilty (intentionally or not) about all your hard work and stick-to-itiveness because they don't have the balls. But I've gotta say, you are kicking some serious ass. Thank you for sharing the not-so-awesome side of your story. I love your progress reports, but this post gives those of us who are not (geographically) close to you a dose of reality: losing weight and changing one's lifestyle is HARD and doing it right means it's not a temporary change. Thank you, Kara. Your openness helps me rethink my own situation. It's hard but it can be done. You are a success story. Keep it shiny side up, my friend.

leanne said...

Kara you are amazing inside and out! You look fantastic and worked really hard to get to where you are today so ENJOY it!! Tomorrow is a new day, start fresh and forget about any of the poor choices that you are feeling guilty about. Xo

Sarah said...

You don't need a kick in the butt, you need a high-five and a right on. Because if losing weight was easy, you wouldn't feel so proud of doing it. Of course it's hard. You are re-wiring your whole way of thinking! Thats not an excuse to indulge, but it is a reason to let yourself FEEL things. Keep up what you're doing, and remember who you're doing it for.

Jennea said...

Wow. You have come so far and are doing so fabulous. Just like in training in the gym or working, remember you cant know a really good day without knowing and having a really shitty day. Keep on trucking, ride it til the wheels fall off. Pimp up your journal and make a new cover and dont feel guilty. We all have to deal with shadow work at some point. Dealing with all the pent up un-managed stuff we sweep under the rug. Do what you need to do to feel better and be the chagne you want the world to be....you already are. You are inspiration to me and to others...keep it up :)

dogsled_stacie said...

You are awesome!! This is your journey and you've worked f*cking hard for every pound you've lost, make no apologies.

As others have mentioned, you are truly an inspiration. So what, if your weight loss kicks others in the butt to take care of their own health? That is THE definition of inspiration! You deserve nothing but praise. Pat yourself on the back and tell yourself how awesome you are! :)

That said, I hear you - as winter sets in, it's easier to fall back into old habits. But Jesus Christ, you have come so far, I don't see the cold and darkness overcoming your ability to stay on track! You can doooooooo it!!!! :)

VeenuSandhu11 said...

Step one is recognizing when you are not treating your healthy and functional body the respect it deserves. You're there!

Step 2 is letting yourself off the hook when you've made that poor decision to eat carbs instead of protein and a veg. You can't change the past, but you can shape your future and guilt is useless when it comes to self love.

I'm proud of you Kara you have gone farther than most, and I'm telling you that you are strong enough to get past this milestone. Don't feel guilty surpassing the weight loss of loved ones, you are moving towards becoming a leader and inspiration for others so that they too can take their health into their own hands!

I'm also worried about the crippling effects winter has on my psyche. I have vowed to take it one day at a time because that is within my power and ability. Hope you'll join me!

Anonymous said...

You don't need a kick in the ass at all! I get what you are saying. I haven't lost as much weight as you, not even close but the second I do I feel the same way. It's because we used the weight as a shield for sinking, it gave us excuses about all kinds of things. Now what can we hide behind? It's a matter of realizing that you have Ero need to hide! Your intelligent, super talented, and beautiful inside and out. You should adopt the I am woman hear me roar slogan and just keep on going. You are absolutely my inspiration. When I get down in weight you can give me the very same speech as I am sure I feel exactly the same way! Your rock sista! Own it and wear the accomplishment don't bury it. It's Lori by the way.

Sarah :) said...

I have the biggest smile on my face right now. You will defeat all of these demons and you will look good doing it.
I know you love your family and friends, but this is about you and your immediate family. It's about getting healthy so that in the long-run, your 2 boys remember nothing but the healthy, fit, and vibrant mother that you are now and will continue to be. Be sure that your friends and family aren't trying to sabotage you or make you feel bad. They are dealing with their own insecurities (and that is not a criticism- it's just a truth of human nature). I simply can not believe that you were just a friend that made them feel better about themselves. You are too awesome in your own right to be a pity friend. Trust that.

You can overcome all of these hurdles. I believe it with all of my heart and soul.

Thank you for being so open and honest.

Sarah :) said...

I meant to say that you CAN be sure that your friends and family aren't trying to sabotage you. Like, they aren't doing anything to purposely side-track you. Not sure it came out right the first time. :)

Morena said...

Everyone has said it all so I'll just go with 'Ditto'....


Hugs.

jen said...

It's ok to be pissed off and have horrible bad days, otherwise the good days wouldn't feel so good. Go listen to some angry music, have a good cry, throw an egg. Then take a deeep breath!

Vanessa said...

Thank you for your honesty Kara. I've been working on weight issues since I was 12 and am only starting to let myself be free of the anxiety. Even tonite I looked at my hubby and told him I was woo exhausted I have to skip the gym and go to bed but feel tremendous guilt over all I have indulged in today... I believe it definitely is a about self acceptance bu also about wanting better for myself and body. I love how I am getting stronger and try to make it about what my body can do now instead of the numbers. You are an inspiration my friend and one dy I hope to sit down with you and you can share some of the things that have helped.

Fawn said...

I'm so behind on reading! Good for you for recognizing the obstacles, Kara, and just saying it like it is. Forget about the mistakes and move on, girl. You're doing great!!

Anonymous said...

This past year you've done tremendous things. Breaking your own weight loss barriers. Looking after your health to be around for a long time for yourself, Matt and the boys.

We (the readers) are all glad you felt like you could write what you did so honestly. We're all very proud of you.

Shanlee