The Mommy Pile

We have been outside sledding with the boys almost every day over the last week.  Even though we don't have much snow yet, we are making it work!  The cold has hit here already with lows hitting -27C already (normals for this time of the year are just -10), so it is looking to be a long, cold winter.

The boys have a new favorite way to head down the hill: The Mommy Pile!  I lay on the bottom of the sled, Hunter lays on top of me, and Cavan tops off the pile.  Rarely do all three of us make it to the bottom of the hill still on the sled!  Cavan seems to giggle himself right off the top as we speed down the hill.

Doing this at 319lbs was hard work.  Going back up to the top of the hill time after time?!  Exhausting.  Now?  Easy.  I can chase my boys up the hill even.  I love every minute of it.  And those two boys on top of me only add an extra 85lbs when I have lost nearly 120.  Amazing.

Here is a picture of the Mommy Pile from last week when it warmed up to a nice -15C!

It is hard to see him, but Hunter is there in the middle!

Lego!

Hunter has discovered the joy of lego and he is completely obsessed. 

He will sit in his room for an hour and build.

The only downside is having a little brother who prefers to play Godzilla with the legos.

In 8 Months

In 8 months.

Solstice.

Under the sun.

Near Tombstone Park.

With four other amazing woman from across the country.

Three of these women I have never met in person, but consider all of them to be some of my closest friends.

Hurray for blogging connections.

And we will be wearing these:

These 8 months cannot pass quick enough!

My Body: Now.

I can do it.  I can do it.

That is my inner voice, psyching myself up to do this!

Okay, it has been one year minus a day since I had bariatric surgery (I am a day off doing this after spending all day yesterday thinking it was the 18th).  It has been the best decision I have ever made regarding my health.  I have zero regrets.

Now that doesn't mean this has been easy.  It has been one of the hardest years of my life.  Not just the physical effort of losing weight, but the mental effort.  When food is where you turn for comfort and then that is gone?!  It is hard.  So incredibly hard.  And while it has gotten a little bit easier, I still struggle with how to deal with the emotions that threaten to take over.

What have I done to re-direct myself from eating?  Get outside, exercise, reading, wasting time on the computer, house cleaning, visiting....  anything I can!

And I thank God every single day for the support system I have around me.  My friends, family, blog readers, and community members have been encouraging me since the start.  I draw so much of my strength from all of these people and wish there was more I could do instead of just saying thank you.

Well, here we go.  Pictures.  Of me.  Nearly naked.  From today.  Here is what my body looks like one year later and down 118.5lbs.

And today I weigh 200.5lbs.  That is a loss of 118.5lbs in just over a year (my total includes 11lbs lost in the couple of weeks leading up to my weight loss surgery.

I have lost the weight it seems from the top down. 

I can still see my capri tan lines!

My amazing bat wings that I am going to fly with!

The part that bothers me the most, yes I am going to share it all, is the stomach flap.  I will be looking into surgery since it is so bothersome.

This really shows the change, eh?

So different.

So along with the weight loss of 118.5lbs, there are some other numbers I want to share.

I have lost 17" off my hips.

I have lost 12" off my chest.

I have lost 12" off my waist.

I have lost 7.5" off of each thigh.

My BMI has gone from 53.1 to 33.4.



I am now just 30lbs away from my goal of losing 150lbs and I hope to hit that by late next spring or very early next summer.  My weight loss has slowed to about five pounds a month, which is still pretty amazing.

I am excited to see what year two brings and feel ready to meet the challenge.

Again, thank you to everyone for your support!  It means the world to me.

My Body: One Year Ago

I have been scared to share some of these pictures.  But I am going to do it anyways!

These pictures were taken exactly one year ago today.  In my head, I still see myself this way.  But yet, I don't recognize myself in these pictures.  It is a hard one to explain, but I think anyone who has lost a lot of weight would probably understand.

So why am I sharing them?  I have been completely honest on my blog about my weight loss surgery and I know my honesty has helped a lot of other people.  I have a real curiosity about what a body goes through with tremendous weight loss and have scoured the internet for pictures to help me prepare for the changes I would go through. 

Tomorrow I will be posting up-to-date photos of myself so you will see the change one year has made.

Whew!  Here I go!

October 18th, 2011.  308lbs.  Size 4x pants and shirt.

October 18th, 2011.  308lbs.

October 18th, 2011.  308lbs. Size 4x pants and shirt.

October 18th, 2011.  308lbs.

I hope that didn't scare you all off!  Tune back in tomorrow to see what a difference a year makes!

A Ghosty Craft!

I have been doing a lot more crafts with the boys this year.  This week we made ghosts!  Super easy and fun for young kids.  And it incorporated so many skills: counting, cutting, colour recognition, and our favorite skill- playing with goo!

Getting set up!  Mix equal amounts of white glue and water together and stir until well combined.  Blow up balloons to desired size and set in mugs.  Cut pieces of cheesecloth to become ghosts.

Put cheesecloth into goo, swish it around and then squeeze off all the excess.  Drape the cheesecloth over your balloon and let dry overnight.

Find some construction paper, scissors and a hot glue gun.  Our first hot glue gun adventures!  The boys love using it.  Cut out eyes and a mouth for each- great counting and problems solving skills.

And done!  Using a needle and thread I ran a string through them for hanging.  It is pretty scary in our house now!

A good whack to the head!

This week started off with a bang on Tuesday.  The bang of my head off of a wooden toy box.  Ouch!

I was heading up to Hunter's bunkbed to get more blankets for our fort, when I mis-stepped on the way back down.  He has stairs, not a ladder up to his bunk which you think would be safer.  Well, not for a klutz like me!

I tipped off the stairs sideways and the back side of my head came crashing down onto the edge of a wooden toy box.  I am pretty sure my head hit that before the rest of my body hit the floor.  It nearly knocked me out; I saw black and stars for a moment.  It took me a bit, but I managed to get myself sitting upright and called out to Hunter to bring me the phone.  Matt was at work, but came home to check me out. 

I had to go to our Health Centre to be checked out, but I will be fine.  Some whiplash, maybe a slight concussion, my ear is numb, some swelling and I have some nice bruising coming out.  My body is sore all over too, but I don't remember hitting anything other than my head.  Yesterday I was happy to send the kids over to a friends house since I was struggling with bouts of dizziness and nausea. 

Today I feel so much better though!  No nausea or dizziness, just still a bit stiff and sore.  I have greater range of motion with my head already.  And it looks like I may have knocked some sense out of me since I lost another pound that day.   :)

I was told the skull is good and thick back there!

Turkey- Glorious Smoked Turkey!

Yesterday the turkey hung out in the cooler in a juicy brine.

Today it hung out in the smoker until it was cooked to perfection!

I think we have discovered our new favorite turkey cooking method.

Turkey brine: apple juice, orange juice, water, coarse salt, brown sugar, nutmeg and cloves. And a curious kid.  It was cold enough that this just sat out on the deck during the day and overnight. 

How I love my Bradley Smoker!  This was just a few hours in at 240F and maple wood chips pucks.

And even more hours later.

Eight and a half hours later we had turkey perfection!  Moist and delicious.  Yum!

Floundering And Needing Support

Why does it all hit at once?

The dark is back and my body wants to hibernate.  My body craves carbohydrates when it wants to hibernate.

The cold is back.  My body craves carbohydrates when it is cold.

My period is on these evil three week cycles for some hellish type of torture.  My body craves carbohydrates (plus chocolate) during my period.

I am freaking the fuck out about being under 200lbs.  My body craves any freaking food that is in within reach when I freak the fuck out.

I am about to hit my one year surgery anniversary and it is causing me a lot of anxiety.  Anxiety.... well you guessed it. 

Yes, I turn to food for everything in my life.  But I especially turn to foods that are poor choices when I feel stressed, agitated, angry, lazy....  all those emotions.

Right now my body needs protein.  I haven't been on-top of tracking my food and my hair is falling out again.   That is a key indicator that my protein is much too low.  My food choices have been poor- a bun instead of a slice of cheese and a veggie, a couple of cups of popcorn instead of a piece of moose sausage and veggie.  I am having a snack when I should just be drinking water or tea.  I am eating in the evenings when my body doesn't need it.  The food isn't horrible and everything I consume is small amounts, but I am still doing my body a disservice and I need to re-gain focus. 

A lot of it boils down to my anxiety at being under 200lbs and my one year surgery anniversary date looming.  So why be anxious about being under 200lbs?  I don't know.  A lot of it is guilt driven.  The guilt of weighing less than a lot of my friends/family right now is tremendous and I don't know how to move past it.  I cannot stop thinking about it.  I watch as friends and family almost seem to panic as soon as my weight approaches their own.  They hop on the newest diet or exercise bandwagon to try and lose some weight.  Part of me is happy for them, of course I want to see everyone successful in their own weight loss endeavors.  But then part of me is pissed off.  Why did they wait until my weight was almost on par with theirs?  It makes me feel pretty crappy when it really shouldn't.  Instead of feeling happy or excited that I have hit a new level in my weight loss, I just continue to feel that it will never be good enough.  Was I just that friend people wanted around so they could always feel better about themselves? 

Right now I feel like curling up and hibernating for a good 8 months.  I am seriously fucking fantastic at not showing how I feel.  Pro level.  If there was an Olympic sport titled "Emotional Baggage Stuffing" I would be getting a gold medal every two years since it would be at both the Summer and Winter Olympic Games. 

It is hard to find balance with my feelings.  It is easy for me to be happy all the time because that is how I like to feel!  I would rather be than than angry at the world girl.  So how to do I get these feelings out with destroying my day?

It kills me to write about it.  But I need to.  Tonight I just needed to get it all off my chest and already I am feeling some relief.  Hurray for this blog.  My semi-safe place to vent.  By venting here instead of just to myself on paper, it gives me accountability.  And I need the support.  Paper doesn't support me back.  Readers of my blog?  They are pretty fucking awesome.  Please give me the much needed kick in the ass I need to get past this bit of floundering.  Throw your advice at me for dealing with emotional baggage.  Tell me it will (or won't) get better; just be honest with me. 

**And if you are that friend or family member I was just whining about?  Sorry.  Just had to say it to get it off my chest.  I am happy for you, but be warned- I am still going to kick your ass in the weight loss department over the next year and I am going to learn how to feel good about it!

Who Did It?

Who did it?

That question gets asked multiple times a day.

Today we walked into the bathroom to see this:

Neither of them will fess up.  Hunter of course blames Cavan.  And Cavan?  Well he is rather elusive about it, but of course says it wasn't him.

My bets are on the little one playing spiderman/mountain climber/crazy monkey.

This is why I cannot have nice things.  Ever.