Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Fears

I have a lot of fears.

There are the typical mom fears
  • what if my kid runs away and I cannot find them
  • what if my kid gets sick
  • what if my kids need extensive amounts of counseling because I am such an odd parent
  • what if what if what if
There are the job related fears
  • will I ever get a job outside the house again
  • have my six years of university become completely obsolete
  • what if I am truly happy never having a real job again
There are the crazy-ass irrational fears
  • will zombies get me if I go into my basement after dark
  • since I dream about grizzly bears eating me will they eventually get me
  • when the impending asteroid hits earth will I survive
There are rational fears
  • what do I do if my quad breaks down in the bush
  • do I really remember how to change a tire
  • can I get my bear spray out fast enough
And then there are weight related fears
  • will my ass fit into that chair
  • will I have a pair of pants to fit
  • will that seat-belt fit
  • will those people mock me when I walk by
  • will kids tease my boys because they have the fat mom
  • will I be able to find any clothes in the store that fit me
  • will I be plagued with weight related health issues
  • will I die young because of my weight
  • how many people judge me based on my weight
  • will I be able to keep up to my boys
  • on and on and on
I could continue with my list of fears, but it will just make me look like even more of a nutcase than I already am. But the list of fears related to my weight is the longest and most stressful (well maybe only second to my fear of zombies). I have been plagued by the weight fears since I was a child as compared the mommy fears that I have only had for the last three years. I wonder if those fears will gradually diminish as I lose my weight. Or maybe they will always be with me. I have become a pro at hiding those fears from others, or at least I like to think so.

With age has come more confidence around other people; I no longer panic in a room full of people, although I still don't feel the most comfortable. I am becoming increasingly comfortable with myself, but those fears still persist.

Why do I share these fears now? Every time I open myself up on this blog, the positive response has been overwhelming. I have conquered so much in the last six months with this support. Perhaps by sharing these fears I am acknowledging them and can finally work at putting them behind me. And at the very least I am letting other readers know they aren't alone with their fears.

So readers... care to share any of your fears so I don't feel like the only lunatic out here?

9 comments:

Meandering Michael said...

I'm not sure I fear anything, but I do worry about things from time-to-time. Then I remember that there are two types of worry:

1. The kind that I need to take action on to prevent/correct whatever is causing the worry; and
2. The kind that's not worthy of action and is, therefore, a waste of my time so cut it out already!

Kennie said...

1. The zombies won't get you as I take care of them when I crash over night - they know the rules.

2. Your kids will be the normal ones, its all of the other kids you need to worry about

3. and of course ... What if I get abducted by aliens while on an airplane and they forget to take my iPad with me?

Tina said...

My biggest fear is looking like a fool when I try to do something. And my husband dying, or one of my kids. Oh, and starting a secret blog and having my silent partner not post on the most important day!

Morena said...

I get your weight fears, I could just rewrite them for myself.

Others
-my children being bullied, or becoming bullies.
-being a bad parent and not even knowing it
-seaweed. I really hate seaweed.

Susan said...

Hi Kara. I've been scrap booking my first camera starting in grade 4 thru early marriage. I've always had a distorted body image. I thought I was fat then. When I see the pictures now, I can realize that I wasn't thin, but I was certainly not fat. I don't think others think of us so much at all looking back. I'm going on 62. I think people think about how we treat them, how they feel around us, how kind we are. We are overwhelmed by body image to measure up. Most people just care about how we are with them. You are a beautiful woman with a great family and robust life. Just do that, eat well, stop judging your body and maybe it will do more to release what you don't need. Susan, Kayah from Nutrisystem. I don't post much, but I do enjoy following your wonderful life and family. You are doing, in my opinion, a really remarkable job of raising boys. Mine are 29 and 30. Dirt, naked, messes, real stuff, hugs, camping, relying on each other just works. Trust that!!!!!!!!!

deiss said...

1. I'm scared of falling down stairs.

Other than that, I've felt I've conquered a lot over the last three years and have learnt a lot about myself thanks to the love and support of my family and friends so thank you Kara. I love you.

Carole said...

Fears? Huh? Uhmm...
As kids, my sister and I were never shy about our bodies, probably because my mom wasn't. It wasn't unusual for her to change in front of us and vice versa.
Once, my sister's friend was over, and we were sitting in my mom's room doing girly stuff I guess when my mom came in to change her top. My sister's friend's jaw dropped as she just stared in disbelief. Asking what was wrong, she replied, "I've never seen boobs so big!" We all burst out laughing. My mom was always somewhat overweight and definitely big-boobed. Since then, I'm always self-conscious in change rooms around small-chested women and young girls though. It took me until my 30s to appreciate my "assets" as I always associated them with "fat". Am I making any sense?
Oh, and the airplane seat, the little plastic chairs at the High Country Inn, seatbelts in backseats...so many instances where, like you, I've had weight issues.
As for your kids, my best memory of my mom is the two of us lying on the couch and my head up on her butt, or wait, her hip, watching TV or a movie. She was the most comfortable mom, and I always found that that's how moms should be. Thin and bony is not comfortable. lol Though, I'm sure my mother would have a different opinion on this.

Way Way Up said...

My biggest fear would definitely be not being able to provide for my family. Likely brought about from being able to go it alone so easily when I was a single fellow up in Nunavut.

Jackie S. Quire said...

Kara, your fears are (for the most part) far from irrational. While I don't share all of them ... I could understand every one.

And I think it's spectacularly brave for you to say all your fears like that. For me, my secret fear is my weight. I don't like to talk about it, but I'm almost always thinking about it.

I think what's worst for me is that I've always had this dream of this woman I would be, appearance-wise. And it's totally irrational, and my brain knows I need to be more realistic, more "just back to the size I was when..."

I also fear being really annoying and not knowing it.

Thanks for sharing.