Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Brutally Hard

Again, over this last week it hit me how much emotional turmoil is left in the wake of extreme weight loss.  And it is brutally hard.  So brutally hard that I was bawling my eyes out in my friend's truck.

The six feet of scars I have from my reconstructive skin surgery are nothing in comparison to the emotional scars I have from a lifetime of obesity. 

The stares. 
The hurtful comments. 
Being left out.
Being left behind.
Children pointing and laughing.
Adults pointing and laughing.

Those emotional scars have left in their wake a woman with feelings of very little self worth, very little self esteem, and very little self confidence. 

Not really how I pictured myself nearly three years out of having weight loss surgery.  I dreamt I would feel amazing, not just physically but emotionally.  But I am just not there yet.

I have my up weeks and then my down days.  Thankfully my up time lasts a lot longer than my down, but that down time is absolutely exhausting.  Is this just normal?  Does everyone experience this? 

I am still learning how to deal with my emotions without eating.  I am not used to feeling these ups and downs and I really don't know how to deal with them.  I would rather just binge eat instead of feeling those bleak moments.  The emotions overwhelm me and I don't know what to do.  I retreat inwards, shut down, feel lost and alone.

It is hard not having anyone to talk to in person who understands what I am experiencing.  I have friends online that I can talk to who have had dramatic weight loss, and many of them are going through the same experiences.  At least I know I am not alone.

Getting in some quiet time; trying to recharge after a hard week.


Tammy said...

You are most definitely not alone! Love you girlie, and soon we CAN talk about it in RL!! xoxo

Marie-Claude said...

Nope, you are definitely not alone. Take care XXX

Sarah N said...

I know your struggle is related to your weight loss, but I think there are a lot of people facing this specific difficulty of learning how to feel. the good and the bad. How do you let yourself feel sadness, shame, guilt and find that balance before it consumes you with depression? It's a fine balance, that's for sure. And it takes a lot of practice, sometimes a whole lifetime, before we can figure out how to feel. but you are brave. You are turning into it rather than running. and that, as they say, is what separates the men from the boys. Keep on learning, it is always worth it :)